What bitches wear at the airport... (satire #4)

First thing I have a problem with is bitches walking through the security line enwrapped in every kind of metal there is. I´m sorry, did you not know you´re getting on an airplane today?? Did you not think about the fact that you would have to go through security and a metal detector?
When I fly private (well..and coach) I wear like leggins, a shirt, and comfortable shoes. Sorry I didn´t take the time to put on every bracelet that I own, my Gucci belt, my sunglasses, a metal headband made of pierced spikes and jewelery all up the ass, I didn´t put 25 dollars worth of change in my pocket and I´m holding on to like 800 other metal things. Because you know what happens? You will go in the airport looking like a complete fucking asshole! We can all pick you out of the crowd: you´re walking in your heels, you got your little bag, the "Oh my God, I´m so fucking hot, look at me, I´m getting in an airplane" attitude while WE all wait for six hours to get through security while you walk back and forth through the metal detector:

"Beeppp" "Beeeeeppp" "Beeeeeppp" "Oh sorry I forgot to take this off"

"Beeppp" "Beeeeeppp" "Beeeeeppp" "Oh sorry I forgot to.."

"Beeppp" "Beeeeeppp" "Beeeeeppp" ...mother fucker...

Then, instead of getting your stuff in your little tray and moving it somewhere else, you stand right there and slowly put it all back on, while we all stand behind you and have to wait 20 'effin minutes for you to put all your shit on ´cause all I need is my bag and my fucking shoes so I can get to my plane.

That doesn´t make you stylish ok? That doesn´t make you to jump off. That doesn´t make you a hot bitch. That doesn´t make you a hot fucking deal. That makes you a fucking damn idiot. Because guess what bitch? You´re not going anywhere important, ´cause you´re sitting next to me in fucking economy. With the plebeians. We are all flying to the same fucking place!

 

You know that you're a flight attendant when...

... you stop and inspect every fire extinguisher you pass, just to make sure the “gauge is in the green”!

It was a 12 hour red-eye flight...

... and I had just spent 3 hours sleeping at the crew bunk. I don't know about you, but I need some minutes to properly function at night when I'm sleeping and I'm suddenly woken up. I went to my galley to retouch my make-up and hair. And standing between the galley and the lavatories was a young man (he should be on his mid-twenties). He started to talk to me and, on my sleepy modus, I only understood he was asking something about a window. I asked again and then understood. He was asking if there was a window nearby where he could look out. I said no, only in the cabin. I needed to go to the toilet and as I didn't know if he was waiting too, I asked:
- "Do you want to go to the lavatory?"
- "Why? Are there windows?"
Oh my God - I couldn't contain myself and had to laugh so damn hard. He had this inocent expression, and you could see how, for a brief moment, he fullfield himself with hope of finally finding a window.
I didn't want to sound rude and excused myself from laughing (jeez, really, I just couldn't help myself). The thing is, he asking for a window wasn't the only thing odd, but also the fact that we were flying over the Atlantic Ocean and it was pitch dark outside, it was like 3 o'clock in the morning!!!
I tried to find a solution for him, so I opened our isolation blanket that was covering the outside door and through the little window he finally got to look outside. Then said:
- "Oh you're right, one can't see anything out there".

You know that you´re a flight attendant when...

... You refer to cities by their airport codes!

Today a passenger asked me:

-"What do you do so long at the toilets?"

Note: I spent almost 4 hours at the "toilet". And I wasn´t alone!

At first I didn´t get his question, but then I realised he was talking about something else. I wanted to reply on a funny way, but I was working and it wouldn´t sound so professional - after all we still had a few hours ahead of us, and if something happened, I still wanted that passenger to trust me on an emergency situation. So I stuck with the boring truth:

- "Oh no, that´s not the toilet. We were having some rest at our crew bunk."

Gotta love those passengers imagination sometimes :)

Are you ready for another year of many happy landings?

I sure am!
My next flight departs tomorrow and will bring me to the city of love - Paris!!