You know you´re a flight attendant when...

...  your thighs are covered in bruises from armrests and elbows!

Satire #3 (hardcore one)

- I´m sorry but your bag is too big and will not fit, you´ll need to check it.

- No, last time you lost my bag. I will make it fit.

- For starters, I didn´t loose shit. Second, David Fucking-Coperfield couldn´t make that hunk of shit fit. And third, if you didn´t try to fit every fucking thing you own into one bag just to avoid checking it properly we wouldn´t be having this discussion. So, it goes outside.

- Fine. Where is my seat?

- I don´t know. I´m not a damn mind reader. What does your ticket say?

- 23B. But I don´t think I want that seat.

- Why not?

- I want to seat closer to the front.

- Well, I know this might come as a chock to you but the whole plane is flying to the same place. So, how about not being even more of a pain in my ass and sitting in your assigned seat??

- Fine. Where is it?

- Whatta hell? Did you just check your common sense along with that bag? I would imagine 23B would be right after 22B and probably right before 24B.

- What side is B on?

- Are you shitting me? The plane isn´t that big, there are only two sides to it. We only use four letters in order not to confuse jackasses like you. One side says CD, the other says AB. That would be the side you are on. The one with the letter B in it. Now move along, you are holding up the line.

- Ok. How do you work the seatbelt?

- Are you fucking serious?

- Yes.

- Holly hell, you are killing me! Did you forget from last time you flew? It´s not rocket science - stick the little end into the big end. Do you think I stand up here and give a safety demo for my health? Pay attention. We show foolish people like you something they should have learned years ago how to fastened a seatbelt.

- Do I get a meal?

- Seriously? No, you don´t get a damn meal. The flight is only like 30 minutes.

- I want a meal.

- And I want you to shut the hell up and sit down already but we can´t have everything we want, can we? You will be lucky If I give you anything out of the other a kick in the face right now. Are we still doing this?! Go sit down!

- Is there an inflight movie?

- No genious, there is no inflight movie. I told you the flight is only 30 minutes.

- Can I use my cell phone?

- No.

- What if it´s just to text?

- No.

- Why not?

- Fuck me! I don´t know, maybe because the plane will crash and blow up and it´ll be all your fault. Or maybe because I fucking said so. Now for my sanity go sit down!

- Ok fine, where is the toilet?

- Jeezz, who are you? Stevie Wonder? Do you need a map? There is only one way you can go. Go fucking look for it.

- Will you account my drink? Because you made me check my bag.

- No really? We are back to the bag again? No, I will not give you a free drink because you are an idiot, ok? 

You know you´re a flight attendant when...

... All of your pens have different hotel names on them!

Who said Cabin Crew can´t have fun??!

OMG! - I just saw my pilots ding dong..!!!!!

Why do this things happen to me???! And I´m not even kidding..

At 38´000 feet, stupid me opened the lavatory door although being occupied and saw my first officer doing his business.. Jeezz, this is the second time lavatory A surprises me with a ding dong.

And before you say "that was your fault!", keep in mind that that toilet flush was broken and unusable, the pilot had been advised, we all decided to close and lock the lavatory and before I even unlocked and opened it I actually knocked at the door to be sure no one was inside (useless I thought, because no one could have been there - but still) . And I got no reply and everything was silent. Until I opened the door and saw his baby maker.

Dear 7F...

... what the heck is wrong with you woman? On one of your boobs you had a baby sucking on your milk. And on your other hand you had a glass of vodka and you where drinking frenetically out of it. Not just one glass. Nore two. And it was only 5 o´clock in the freaking morning!! Even tough I trully respect your culture, and I know for hundreds of years ago people did the same and look at us - we´re still all here, it just chocks me - you´re feeding your baby with alcohol.. jeez..

You know you´re a flight attendant when...

...you look for the “crew line” at the grocery store!

After being almost 4 months away, I was scheduled with my first flight to the city and country I have left. Sadly no overnight, just a very quick turnaround. Nevertheless, I was super happy. I kept telling it over and over again on our Athens layover the day before. My crew couldn´t hear me anymore :)

So the next day, super exciting me was very enthusiastic and, I guess, with huge expectations. Well let me tell you just this: I only had two passengers on that flight, and they were the biggest dipshit assholes in aviation history. Jeezzz! Honestly, I really felt ashamed at the end of the flight..

So Mr.1A, very busy busy man, had to unpack all of his work stuff and make the aircraft look like his freakin office - yep, those kind of passengers who, when the gear is almost down, still have all traytables unfolded, laptops on and the old same story on the tip of their tongues "I´m already turning it off, it´s just saving my files". After checking the rest of the cabin, I come back and - oh big surprise - everything looks the same, and they are even still writing stuff. By this point I was so pissed off with this men, that with a really deep, stern voice and a Cruella de Vil lookalike face I sad: "Either you turn it off right now or we won´t land", and had to babysit him until he did so. This man, was just horror the whole flight:

It was only a 60min short one, I had just served dinner and on the way to the galley I heard the call from the PA "If there´s a doctor on board, please immediately contact the cabin crew, we need you´re assistance". In a second I grabbed the interphone, shortly informed the captain, picked the first aid kit up and went to the back of the plane. Not a big deal - just someone dying out there, but Mr "oh I´m so important" 1A kept ringing his call button: he wanted a coke. "Make it with ice and lemon". Within 10min he did that twice. He saw how I was running back and forth with towels, medical kits, hand gloves, ringing the captain over the phone informing him how the sick passenger was doing and so on. But that didn´t make any difference to him. Then again: "ding"! What a surprise: dear 1A wanted now wine. "Would you rather have a red or a white one?", I asked. "What kind of wines do you have?", he asked back. I presented him the whole assortment we have, I had to explain him what kind of grapes each one had, what was the producing year, etc, etc. After that I asked him: "So, which one would you rather have?". "Well, just give me from each one a little glass, I want to try them out", he said. Jeeezzz! For realz???!!!!!! Someone else would have explained him again the medical case situation and ask for his cooperation to take just one type of wine, but asshole me can´t do that. I always feel that these passengers pay a lot of money and deserve the service they want. After  all, it wasn´t his fault we had a medical situation on board. So there I went to my galley, hiding my bland smile and opened all wine bottles (which again, took me some time, damn corks!) and poured it into glasses. I served him. No "thank you" came from his mouth. Later on, he asked for a coffee. We were 15min away from touching down and the seat belt signs were already on and the galley secured for landing. This time I had to say no. Monsieur was not happy at all. Really, those are the kind of passengers that pisses even the most acquiescent angel off.
But the really funny twist of this whole thing is yet to come.
The next day, I flew the same route, but this time as a passenger. I was sitting in business when a very familiar face sat next to me. I looked at him, he looked at me and Mr.1A sure recognized me, even without an uniform. I friendly greeted him (honest friendliness, I really don´t hold any anger from anyone/anything, actually to the contrary  - I always find this behaviours funny and fascinating at the end of the day!) and I guess he might have felt embarrassed, because on this flight, he was very quiet and not demanding at all to my colleagues. But then again, I was sitting next to him..

You know you´re a flight attendant when...

... you NEVER unpack!

Alright..

.. so I´m back in my new country, so let´s stop asap with the muschi, muschi, girly talk, and get back to business.

:)