Sunday, November 27, 2011

Courtesy of the Fabulous Flight Deck #1


Captain to a new Cabin Crew Member doing her first supervision flight:

Captain: - "Could you just go to the rear toilet and do a quick check? A warning has appeared on one of our systems".
CCM: - "Certainly"

Moments later,

CCM: - "Everything appears to be ok, captain"
Captain: - "Are you sure? It´s saying the toilet seat is still up. Can you make sure it´s down please?"
CCM: - "Oh, I´m sorry, yes certainly".

Senior Cabin Crew Member: - "What are you doing? you did a toilet check a moment ago."
CCM - "yes, but I didn´t realise I´d left the toilet seat up and the captain said the warning it´s still showing on their systems."
SCCM: - "Oh poor thing, you have permission to ring the captain and tell him to f*** off".


Our days are certainly never boring!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Freshly squeezed orange juice

Passenger: - Is that freshly squeezed orange juice? - pointing at my orange juice box (???!!!)
Me: - Well I can freshly squeeze the box if you want..

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

What is a slot?

Slots are time frames allocated for aircraft take-off. If your flying in Europe, they are assigned by the Eurocontrol Central Flow Management Unit (CFMU) in Brussels to alleviate air traffic and airport congestion, which may occur for all sorts of reasons, includind poor weather. Thus, Eurocontrol in Brussels is effectively in charge of all European air traffic; the airlines cannot influence slot allocation at all. Thanks to slots, aircraft take-offs can be staggered at the departure airport with a view to preventing congestion in the air or at the destination airport. Slot allocation can sometimes result in delays, with the pilot informing passengers that their flight has been help up due to airspace congestion.

Monday, November 14, 2011

In flight..

Me: - "Sir, and would you rather have black coffee or with milk and sugar?"
Pax: - "Oh, I´ll have a black coffee with milk"

Hummm [sigh]... if I would earn a penny each time I hear this, I´d be rich by now..

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Satire #2

Sometimes I feel bad for the gate agents. Because they try to get the boarding process to run smoothly but no one will listen to them. Don´t blame them. They try, they get in the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation would you all please remain seated until your row has been called" -He´s not even finished and everyone starts to raise up - "Everyone please, please remain seated. Everyone please back away from the gate." Somehow, by the time that comes out the speakers it must sound like: "Everybody up and rush the door. Everyone, immediately try to squish your fat buts simultaneously in the small door gate area. Hurry!! Push and shove, everyone. Push and shove!! Do whatever you have to to get on board. This is the last plane to get out of Vietnam"

It makes you think how this people live at home.
Even more worrying is the fact that they reproduce.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Barotrauma


Particularly this time of the year, we get more cases of Barotrauma on board than usual .
Barotrauma is the pain caused by the expansion and contraction, due to outside pressure changes of air trapped in the cavities of the body, mostly within the middle ear, sinuses, intestines or teeth.

Middle Ear
Is probably the most common, and mostly occurs in the descent when air is attempting to return to the middle ear. Pressure is normally equalised across the eardrum by the Eustachian Tube leading from the middle ear to the back of the mouth/nose. There is seldom any problem in the climb when air passes from the midle ear to atmosphere. The end of the Eustachian Tube acts as a flap valve witch allows air to escape with relative ease (required in the ascent) but can restrict air entering the middle ear (required in the descent). With a reduced pressure in the middle ear the increasing pressure outside will cause a distortion  of the ear drum and sometimes extreme pain. So the severity of middle ear Barotrauma depends upon the rate of climb and descent. It occurs mainly at lower levels where pressure changes are the gratest. One or both ears can be affected , become inflamed and swell and will cause pain, temporarily deafness, pressure Vertigo, tinnitus and/or in extreme cases even rupture and bleeding. 

So, what can you do?
Hope for the landing to be as quick as possible, and meanwhile this can help: yawning. moving the lower jaw from side to side, swallowing with the nose held, the Frenzel Manoeuvre (similar to stifling a sneeze) or the  Valsalva Manouevre (similar to blowing down a held nose wíth the mouth closed, though keep in mind that a violent usage of this method may cause pressure vertigo). If you´re travelling with babys and children, simply let them cry or ask one of your flight attendants for "Mickey Mouse ears".


Sinus Barotrauma 
Sinuses are cavities within the skull situated above the eyes, in the cheeks and at the back of the nose and are connected to the Nasal Cavity by narrow ducts. If they become swollen or obstructed or if the sinuses are infected by a cold or influenza it will cause pain, wich normally starts around the eyes spreading to the temples. Fainting to  such pain, watering of the eyes making vision difficult and bleeding from the nose may occur.

So, what can you do?
Please avoid travelling with a cold or influenza. Better change in your booking a couple days rather than having to deal with the excruciating pain inflight and with the symptoms for a week or two. If ther´s nothing else to do, try applying some nose drops.


Gastro-intestinal  Barotrauma
Air can be swallowed along with food and the digestive processes produce gas. Gas collecting in the stomach can easily escape through the mouth whereas at the other end of the system ,gas in the large intestine can be vented to the outside (known as "passing flattus"!". The main problem is gas in the small intestine. It has no exit at either end and will expand causing discomfort and sometimes pain sufficiently severe to cause fainting.

So, what can you do?
Avoid foods wich are high gas producers on board or before your flight (raw apples, cabbage, cauliflower, celery, cucumber, beer, beans, any highly spiced foods such as curries, etc), eat slowly and not rush meals, eat smaller portions (less swallowed air), don´t use chewing gum (for the same reason), ask your partner for some tummy massages (caution, might end joining miles high club), drink something hot, like a camomile tea, go for a small walk in the cabin (only if the seat belt signs are off!)


 
Barotrauma of the Teeth
Healthy teeth do not contain air but gas pockets can form in old or poor fillings or abcesses. Unlike the above barotraumas, this one is most common in the ascent as the gas may press on a nerve, causing severe tooth pain.

So, what can you do?
Good dental care and hygiene can prevent any problem. Otherwise, the only thing that will help you are pain killer pills.