Courtesy of the Fabulous Flight Deck #1

Captain to a new Cabin Crew Member doing her first supervision flight:

Captain: - "Could you just go to the rear toilet and do a quick check? A warning has appeared on one of our systems".

CCM: - "Certainly"

Moments later,

CCM: - "Everything appears to be ok, captain"

Captain: - "Are you sure? It´s saying the toilet seat is still up. Can you make sure it´s down please?"

CCM: - "Oh, I´m sorry, yes certainly".

Senior Cabin Crew Member: - "What are you doing? you did a toilet check a moment ago."

CCM - "yes, but I didn´t realise I´d left the toilet seat up and the captain said the warning it´s still showing on their systems."

SCCM: - "Oh poor thing, you have permission to ring the captain and tell him to f*** off".

Our days are certainly never boring!

Freshly squeezed orange juice

Passenger: - Is that freshly squeezed orange juice? - pointing at my orange juice box (???!!!)

Me: - Well I can freshly squeeze the box if you want..

What is a slot?

Slots are time frames allocated for aircraft take-off. If your flying in Europe, they are assigned by the Eurocontrol Central Flow Management Unit (CFMU) in Brussels to alleviate air traffic and airport congestion, which may occur for all sorts of reasons, includind poor weather. Thus, Eurocontrol in Brussels is effectively in charge of all European air traffic; the airlines cannot influence slot allocation at all. Thanks to slots, aircraft take-offs can be staggered at the departure airport with a view to preventing congestion in the air or at the destination airport. Slot allocation can sometimes result in delays, with the pilot informing passengers that their flight has been help up due to airspace congestion.

In flight..

Me: - "Sir, and would you rather have black coffee or with milk and sugar?"

Pax: - "Oh, I´ll have a black coffee with milk"

Hummm [sigh]... if I would earn a penny each time I hear this, I´d be rich by now..

Satire #2

Sometimes I feel bad for the gate agents. Because they try to get the boarding process to run smoothly but no one will listen to them. Don´t blame them. They try, they get in the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation would you all please remain seated until your row has been called" -He´s not even finished and everyone starts to raise up - "Everyone please, please remain seated. Everyone please back away from the gate." Somehow, by the time that comes out the speakers it must sound like: "Everybody up and rush the door. Everyone, immediately try to squish your fat buts simultaneously in the small door gate area. Hurry!! Push and shove, everyone. Push and shove!! Do whatever you have to to get on board. This is the last plane to get out of Vietnam"

It makes you think how this people live at home.
Even more worrying is the fact that they reproduce.

Barotrauma

Particularly this time of the year, we get more cases of Barotrauma on board than usual .

Barotrauma is the pain caused by the expansion and contraction, due to outside pressure changes of air trapped in the cavities of the body, mostly within the middle ear, sinuses, intestines or teeth.

Middle Ear

Is probably the most common, and mostly occurs in the descent when air is attempting to return to the middle ear. Pressure is normally equalised across the eardrum by the Eustachian Tube leading from the middle ear to the back of the mouth/nose. There is seldom any problem in the climb when air passes from the midle ear to atmosphere. The end of the Eustachian Tube acts as a flap valve witch allows air to escape with relative ease (required in the ascent) but can restrict air entering the middle ear (required in the descent). With a reduced pressure in the middle ear the increasing pressure outside will cause a distortion  of the ear drum and sometimes extreme pain. So the severity of middle ear Barotrauma depends upon the rate of climb and descent. It occurs mainly at lower levels where pressure changes are the gratest. One or both ears can be affected , become inflamed and swell and will cause pain, temporarily deafness, pressure Vertigo, tinnitus and/or in extreme cases even rupture and bleeding. 

So, what can you do?

Hope for the landing to be as quick as possible, and meanwhile this can help: yawning. moving the lower jaw from side to side, swallowing with the nose held, the Frenzel Manoeuvre (similar to stifling a sneeze) or the  Valsalva Manouevre (similar to blowing down a held nose wíth the mouth closed, though keep in mind that a violent usage of this method may cause pressure vertigo). If you´re travelling with babys and children, simply let them cry or ask one of your flight attendants for "Mickey Mouse ears".

Sinus Barotrauma 

Sinuses are cavities within the skull situated above the eyes, in the cheeks and at the back of the nose and are connected to the Nasal Cavity by narrow ducts. If they become swollen or obstructed or if the sinuses are infected by a cold or influenza it will cause pain, wich normally starts around the eyes spreading to the temples. Fainting to  such pain, watering of the eyes making vision difficult and bleeding from the nose may occur.

So, what can you do?

Please avoid travelling with a cold or influenza. Better change in your booking a couple days rather than having to deal with the excruciating pain inflight and with the symptoms for a week or two. If ther´s nothing else to do, try applying some nose drops.

Gastro-intestinal  Barotrauma

Air can be swallowed along with food and the digestive processes produce gas. Gas collecting in the stomach can easily escape through the mouth whereas at the other end of the system ,gas in the large intestine can be vented to the outside (known as "passing flattus"!". The main problem is gas in the small intestine. It has no exit at either end and will expand causing discomfort and sometimes pain sufficiently severe to cause fainting.

So, what can you do?

Avoid foods wich are high gas producers on board or before your flight (raw apples, cabbage, cauliflower, celery, cucumber, beer, beans, any highly spiced foods such as curries, etc), eat slowly and not rush meals, eat smaller portions (less swallowed air), don´t use chewing gum (for the same reason), ask your partner for some tummy massages (caution, might end joining miles high club), drink something hot, like a camomile tea, go for a small walk in the cabin (only if the seat belt signs are off!)

 

Barotrauma of the Teeth

Healthy teeth do not contain air but gas pockets can form in old or poor fillings or abcesses. Unlike the above barotraumas, this one is most common in the ascent as the gas may press on a nerve, causing severe tooth pain.

So, what can you do?

Good dental care and hygiene can prevent any problem. Otherwise, the only thing that will help you are pain killer pills.

Yorkshire Airlines

Satire #1

Last day I flew as a passenger. And let me tell you this, flight attendants put up with a lot of garbage from people. Have you ever been sitting in your seat and you see someone trying to fit something in the overhead rack that you know it won´t go there in like a million years? They´ve like a mattress and a lamp with them.. You look at them and go like "What kind of perception problems this guy have..?" And the flight attendants are always nice, they always run up and act like it might maybe fit you know " Ohh.. I don´t know if that´s gonna get up there.. Let me check it for you, YOU MORON!!"

Funny airline

Creativity is also to be found in the sky! Check out this distinctive, brightly colored and humorous livery:

"No one saw us coming"





















"This way up"





Flying 101:

co- captain (the other pilot on the PA system)
nose cone (radar, antenna, and a really big dish inside)

front door (our door is always open … unless we’re at 41 000 feet)
cockpit window = sun roof
cargo door
fuel tanks (the go-go juice)
aircon ducts (not that kulula needs it… they’re already cool)
wing #1 and #2

the big cheese (”captain, my captain!”)
galley (cuppa anyone?)
jump seat (for wannabe pilots)
avionics (fancy navigation stuff)
windows (best view in the world)
engine #1 and #2 (26 000 pounds of thrust)
throne zone (more leg room baby!) - emergency exit

overhead cabins (VIP seating for your hand luggage)
seats (better than taxi seats)
landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags)
secret agent code (aka plane’s registration) -  ZS-ZWP
boot space
tail (featuring an awesome logo)
galley (food, food, food, food…)
a.p.u. (extra power when you need it most)
rudder (the steering thingy)

rudder (the steering thingy)
stabiliser (the other steering thingy)
loo (or mile-high club initiation chamber)
tail (featuring an awesome logo)
back door (no bribery/corruption here)
black box (which is actually orange)
landing gear (comes standard with supa-fly mags)
some windows - kulula fans (the coolest peeps in the world)
seats (better than taxi seats)

emergency exit - throne zone (more leg room baby!)

It has to mean that you're doing a good job...

..when after a flight, a director from a well-known company handles you his business card, "Just in case you want to change your job"!

Flowers in the Galley

There are many different types of pilots in the flight deck as there are flight attendants in the cabin. Sometimes you look at your briefing report and think "yeah, that will be a nice flight!" or "dang it, not him/her again..". When I saw his 3-letter code on my report I went: "Oh no..". No that I don´t like him, I actually do and I trully believe that there isn´t a single soul out there who doens´t like him too, but  he can be so challenging sometimes.

He´s this middle aged man, who maybe divorced, or happily maried (I honestly do not wish to know) and enjoys making stand-up in the flight deck, being able to put a smile in everyone, even the most soggy passenger on board. I have never been able to have a real serious conversation with him, wathever you say, wathever you do, he always ends up putting his catchy flirt frase on you. And that can be so challenging.. I have never seen that man having a bad day.

So it was no surprise to me he ended up doing this: after landing from a very stressfull and loaded flight, and having to deal with all our work on ground with temperatures that were killing us all, we struglled to prepare our cabin for the next passengers as soon as possible in order not to loose our slot. And the he came, with this beautifull flowers from that paradisiac island. I can not recall the last time someone offerd me flowers that way, with so much thought and "love". I arranged them in the galley and I noticed how our passengers enviously looked at them while boarding. And they weren´t the only ones. After that flight, while entering the taxi who would take us to our hotel, our taxi driver couldn´t stop asking questions about those cute little flowers. So after the drive I offered her them and I know I made her day.

Screaming child in the skys...

Today I felt really bad.

There are some flights known for us, cabin crew, as "Frequent Flyer Flights", where 99,9% from the passengers are people who fly around with us all the time, for business purposes. Well, today I had one of those flights, and as it´s summer time, that 99,9 percentage rate tends to drope down, and one might have some other passengers on board that aren´t really business people.

So after having a really nice, quiet and uneventfull flight today (well, if you forget the crazy turbulence that almost wouldn´t allow us doing the service on board) the fasten seat belt signs went on, and I made my "Descent" announcement. I had just barely finished it, when  suddenly, completely out of the blue, someone began to scream. On 2F, an 11 year-old girl, began to utter a loud, sharp, piercing cry. I thought she was having some problems with her ears, as children usually do, so I went to her father, who was travelling with her alone, and asked if everything was alright, if his little girl needed something for her ears, should I bring her some juice or make her our famous "Mickey Mouse ears"? (which are very sucessful among kids, we just warm some galley towels and let them steam into some cardboard cups - then the kids just put them in their ears, and the warm steamed air, helps them to pressurize their little ears, well, or at least they look so funny with them glued to their heads, that they kinda forget the pain and stop crying..!). On his shabby English, the man thanked but refused it. So I went to my seat. Suddenly, once again, she began to make such loud sounds, that pretty much everyone on that airplane was now looking to the first rows. Mind you, the Embraer is our smallest airplane, neverthless it is still an accomplishment to make a passenger seating on row #28A, astonishing 20 meters far away from an already loud airplane to hear you. So I went for plan B, I brought her some stuff for her to paint, I though she would be entertained with it and stop with the loud crying. It was a really embarassing situation, because every business suit dressed men were looking at me, with their kinda "please do something about it" faces but neither plan B made her stop. It was even worse, the father had now absolutely no control in the situation, his child was now spitting and hitting him as she was screeching as loud as she possibly could. The gear went down, and now I was trying to fully concentrate myself on the final "approach" announcement, and it was so hard, I just couldn´t hear myself through the PA (public announcement), the little girl was totally blocking me out. As I was making my "30 seconds  review" for landing, the woman in front of me, sitting on 1D kept distracting me, as she was trying to avoid not only the spitting from 2F, as well as the loudness coming from the seat behing her. She kept looking at me with her "are we there yet?" face. We landed, and still - the little girl was screaming as loud as hell. It was so difficult to make the "Fairwell" announcement..

Well It was just obvious that everyone got stressed out from the situation, everyone was bored and pissed of, yet very happy to have arrived and now to leave as soon as possible that aircraft. The only thing that was now reasonable for me was to appologise myself  for the flight for those people sitting next to the girl. And so I did, as we were waiting for the gate to connect the aircraft, I appologised to the people around me for the event. While deboarding, many passengers were actually even making fun of the situation because it was so bizarre and obnoxious. And then it happenend. The father passed through me, and with a very shy face he escused himself for his daughters behaviour. I mean, he said, he was really sorry for the situation, And it just made me sad. And I felt so bad for him. I mean, it was just sad to see him, so powerless towards his daughter, and he was obviously completly knocked out from that flight, after all, he was putting up with so much more than any of us. Being confined in such a small airplane, with no possible escape, with 100 people looking at him and thinking only God knows what and traveling alone with a small restless child is certainly something that no one wishes. And it was now kinda obvious that the girl was a little bit mental disabled. And still, that father escused himself, for something which he actually couldn´t do anything for. Such politness and love strucked me. If only so many other people acted like him. It made me stop. And think.

It breaks my heart when during a flight a little girl comes to me and and with a sweet little voice asks if I´ll be flying her again back home in one week when her holiday is over. Things like that tell me I´m on the right job.